To Be or Not to Be: The Self You Really Want to Be
Have you ever contemplated what it might mean to become your best “self”? What is the best vehicle to showcase the likeness of our best selves? Does Judaism give us any guidance for this, and finally does it matter? The first two questions that come to mind are “what do we mean by best and what is a self? I think the simplest and most direct way of putting it is “living authentically”. Living our best selves requires that we know and acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses. It is also important to realize that our weaknesses can, at times, also become our strengths. We need them to do the work we are called to do. They are inexorably linked. We often try to get rid of our weaknesses as if they were defects, “quality control’ errors or black spots on the soul. We are the way we are made, for a variety of reasons. For example, if we are granted the gift of persistence, it also sometimes adds to the characteristic of stubbornness. We need them both to do the work we are called on to do. We have persistence for a reason. The challenge for us is to keep it from hardening into stubbornness.
In the book “The Road to Character” by David Brooks, he tells us that we live our lives by two different sets of virtues: “resume virtues” and “eulogy virtues”. “Resume virtues” are the ones you would list on your resume, the skills that you have and that contribute to your external success. “Eulogy virtues” are the virtues that get spoken about at your funeral, the ones that exist at the core of your being. Many of our ancestors attempted to be their best selves. Some did not. But the unique characteristic of all of them was that they acknowledged their strengths and their weaknesses. They didn’t try to cover up the weaknesses thereby acknowledging that they exist. The Torah implores us to focus on life and living by prizing life and living. Our chief concern becomes how to best live that life here and now.
Other religions have a central figure from the past whom they venerate and often deify. It is either the son of God, God’s last prophet on earth, the Buddha, or some other central divinelike figure from the past. In Judaism there is no such central figure. The closest we get to that is Moses. Yet no one knows where Moses is buried, because the Torah clearly did not want his burial place to become a shrine. At his request Moses was replaced by Joshua, who was given the same power as Moses. If you read the book of Joshua, it is striking how infrequently Moses is mentioned. After Moses died Judaism moved on without him as a personality.
The idea that one person can lead a group forever, even posthumously, stems from a uniquely human failing. We see it with all dictators. Without democratic institutions greater than themselves to keep them in check, they try to hang onto power forever. They sometimes try to outmaneuver death by transferring power to their children.
Therapist Nina Amir suggests that a life review provides an indication of whether you are living your best self. She says, “Sometimes you think you are doing whatever possible to live into and to become the best version of yourself, but in reality, you are not.” Often the Jewish High Holy Days provide us with a vehicle to go inward and conduct a review. But first you need to have some idea of what living in that best self looks like.
How would you describe your best self? What qualities would you exhibit if you were living the most ideal version of yourself? How would you describe yourself?
We are all born with the potential to become our best selves. Most of us, at one time or another get offtrack during our lifetime. We then set new targets, but invariably miss them. We then think we no longer possess that potential. We feel as if our best selves have vanished. But that is not true. In fact, you don’t really need to return to your “best self”. Just “turn” toward him or her. You need only to express the person you already are. Your best self is there. It just needs to be put on display and be seen.
Rabbi Dov Heller a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist intimates that there are seven things you can do to become your best self; they are: be self-aware, be self-accepting, be self-forgiving, be self-defining, be self-navigating, be self-building, and be self-transcending. The Jewish sage Hillel said “If I am not for myself who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now when?” The time to exhibit your best self is now. Don’t wait! Find that self you truly are and let it shine.
Shalom Uvracha
Rabbi Howard S. Herman DD
Naples Jewish Congregation
Naples, Florida